So the quote comes from a Shockwave game, but it could not be appropriate. Sometimes I think there must be some intelligent being overseeing these chance, random occurrences. Either that a hyperactive mind which sees meaning and symbolism in everything.

I've been very stressed and distracted ever since coming back to school. Besides adjusting to life off campus, I'm thinking about switching majors. As a result, I have concentrated almost not at all on my classes, and have spent energy on my friends only out of a sense of obligation. Not that I don't enjoy their company of course, but when I make my decision, it is based on obligation, not on personal preference. *sigh* I sound so cold when I explain my motivations like that, even though I love my group of friends and the way I feel when I interact with them. The way I feel like I belong, where I feel surety and certainty and assurance, things that are so lacking as I undergo what I think of as an ordeal.

This is often a problem with me, this "obligation", "duty", "politeness" explanation of mine, that belies my true feelings. I think I shall explore that aspect of myself some other time; my mind has no room to contemplate it right now.

Currently, I am considering switching majors. I have developed all these ideas, all this passion for all these ideas. I feel so strongly my voice shakes when I let myself go and talk about them without restraint. I don't know how JG does it. He's a good friend, no doubt, but he expects to hear things that I don't think he has a right to hear and I let him hear it all without resistance. I think it's that expectation of his that makes me tell him without pause. Without restraint.

So tonight I told it all to him, with far more emotion than I have let anyone else see. But that's not important. The emotion, I mean. The important part is what I told him, the content of what I said.

I'm thinking about switching majors. To put it as concisely as possible (I do need to practice giving my reasoning, after all, for a variety of reasons) I feel that graduates of my current major are not appreciated enough. I feel like I need and deserve a wider breadth of opportunity than I will get with my current degree programs. Therefore, I want to switch to Operations Research and Industrial Engineering (OR&IE) because I think that its graduates are more appreciated, given a wider breadth of opportunity, and are trained to have the tools to work at the heart of sustainable development.

The problem is that I don't go giggly and pink over this major's courses (far fewer of them, at any rate), and I might be wrong about my projection (hence the subject). Smaller problems include not being able to do study abroad in Singapore, possibly not being able to do Co-op, and missing out on cool environmental engineering schtuff, not being able to make it because of all the probability.

Somehow these few paragraphs don't seem to explain why I'm feeling as upset, overwhelmed, and close to tears as I am. I'm begging you to understand, understand that I'm not betraying myself, that I'm doing this for me, for my future, I'm doing this to make myself better. Please, don't you see? Won't you vindicate me? I just want to do my best. Show you my best. Give it my best. Only my best, nothing less. Please, tell me, if I throw all my efforts into this direction, then I will be doing the best that is possible.

meat - 2005-03-17

singular occurrences - 2004-12-25

pomposity (concerning ideals) - 2004-12-23

from self-consciousness to self-knowledge - 2004-12-09

the politeness motivation - 2004-12-07