The other night, CT showed up unexpectedly at our door, which was a mixed blessing. On the one hand, I had finally found someone with whom to compare math problem set answers. On the other hand, conversation with her sparked severe jealousy attacks.

CT is, by many measures, extremely successful. She recently dropped a physics class we were both in to take on a 6 credit research job. The research project, most amazingly, sounds like the kind of thing I'd like to do, actually.

I have two main reasons for staying away from research as if it were the plague: one is the boredom and frustration of doing scientific experiments (particularly in the biochem arena, which is where all the accessible research projects are). The other reason is more philosophical and vague. I dislike what is being researched, period. While I recognize the importance of what is being researched, I don't like it, and I'm not attracted to it. It does more than simply not appeal to me, it actively repels me. What I dislike is the fact that the research occurs on such a small level. Not only microscopic in the physical sense, but also in the conceptual sense. Of course one needs details in order to fill out the big picture - after all, what is a puzzle but a composition of its pieces - but I far prefer the big picture to its details, particularly when devoting my own blood and sweat to the cause. CT's research project, while not exactly concerned only with the big picture, comes from a different perspective. The mindset underlying the project is fundamentally different, and different in the direction which appeals to me.

Hearing her excitedly chatter about her research project makes me feel like an underachiever. I know grad schools like research - in the old days, that's why you went to grad school, to get a research degree, essentially. Now things are changing and there's quite a high probability that I'll get a management degree which is more professionally oriented, but research never hurts. I know I should do research, but I just couldn't bring myself to go through the torture - until I heard about CT's project. And then I thought, damn, there is some research in which I'm interested. I feel like an underachiever for not looking at the opportunities and seeing this interesting one, for not pursuing the unseen opportunity, and for not attaining the unreached for goal. After all, I have no lab experience except for what I did in DNA Sci I and II in high school, and, face it: I'm nothing compared to my competitors, who've been doing internships at NIH and DoD since they've been born. Or at least, since they've started attending high school.

So there's that research thing of which to be jealous.

She actually told me about the research thing a week or so ago, so the last time she showed up and caused insane jealousy in me was when she told me about her first two interviews with companies.

Apparently they were simply wonderful and she did really well in them even though she went in with no preparation (and no suit). She loved the recruiters, and I'm more than sure than the recruiters loved her as well. She was so psyched about Company S, and I just felt like dying because no matter how well I thought I did she would always be one step ahead of me. She had gone to the SWE networking dinner while I had not, not wanting to part with $5 and 3 hours it would cost me. I had gone to the career fair and thought it had gone extremely well - better than any other to which I had been, but she trumped me with her - not one, but two - interviews. I had decided not to go to the one information session to which I had been invited, while she had participated in two individual interviews.

She said that she was torn between the settled family woman in her and the ambitious career woman in her. I just looked at her and felt that no matter which she chose or how she chose them, she would be highly successful in her career. People just love her - there's something about her that attracts and charms everyone. Is that mysterious quality charisma? Usually I associate charisma with men or strong women. CT isn't a strong woman, per se. She's delightfully feminine, which is an integral part of her charm. But her charming quality is like that of charisma, where most people who encounter are attracted to her, and most of those people are aware of neither attraction nor reason for attraction.

People love her and opportunities do too. I can't say opportunities just drop into her lap because she definitely works for them - and I hate her for that effort, too. Why can't I gather opportunities the way a farmer harvests his rip field? Probably because I gather opportunities the way I pick blackberries from the wild blackberry bush summers in Vancouver. I can tell you that I never found a truly sweet blackberry - they furthest they ever got from sour was tasteless.

And even when I do pursue opportunities, nothing ever really comes of them. Can I really say that, though, if I've never really pursued any opportunities? Well, there was that one non-opportunity (how pathetic is working for my dad's company?), which amounted to exactly nothing besides a summer of frustration. I've never even applied to a job on campus, even though now I'm legally authorized to work.

Argh, jobs. Don't even get me started (well, I already got myself started, that's probably the point). Everybody besides me has a job - even JG has job! That makes every one of the first floor gang gainfully employed, except for me. I can't even claim creditload as an excuse - after all, HQ has a job and he's taking more/harder classes than I am, and he has to get much better grades in them. What is wrong with me that I can't keep any of my shit together? I can't keep up my GPA. I can't involve myself in extracurriculars. I can't hold a job. I can't even party.

I. am.
such a
Loser.

meat - 2005-03-17

singular occurrences - 2004-12-25

pomposity (concerning ideals) - 2004-12-23

from self-consciousness to self-knowledge - 2004-12-09

the politeness motivation - 2004-12-07