Uncertainty is what makes life challenging – if we knew everything already, we could just plug the data into the formulae and follow the results. But if life weren’t challenging, would it still be worth living?

I made this same observation to a friend today. I knew for her that the question would be entirely rhetorical – of course life is only worth living if it is challenging. For me, the answer isn’t so cut and dried. I feel like the personalities of my mother and father are fighting it out in the arena of my own personality.

My father is ambitious and daring, unafraid to take risks. My mother is much more easily contented. Content with a decent life, content not to take risks that would jeopardize that life.

When I lived with my mom, I experienced that same contentment. I didn’t ask questions or look farther than my little life in city where the most important industry was tourism. And then I moved in with my dad, attended TJ, and the outlook of my life changed. I started attending Cornell and that outlook started to come into focus. Cornell is honing the edges of those paths into a fineness that is necessary if I’m going to follow them, but – I don’t know.

I don’t know which direction will make me happier. I have the feeling I could be equally happy in both, but one is certainly easier than the other. The difficulty of this semester and the dissatisfaction I feel with the possible futures I see and the sacrifices I'm making now have really made me question the course of my life.

And even if I choose one direction over the other, will I always be having this debate, or will it end once I have made a definitive decision one way or the other? What's the point of trying to resolve an issue which can't be resolved?

dreaming down highways - 2005-03-20

when the day was bright and new - 2005-03-18

meat - 2005-03-17

singular occurrences - 2004-12-25

pomposity (concerning ideals) - 2004-12-23