On the eve of my departure from Cornell, I had never been so depressed the entire semester as I was then. Adrian had left that morning, my toe was throbbing in agony, and I was out of quarters to do laundry. I was at loose ends, having tossed my last two exams into the winds of Fate, but not yet firmly tied to my future - the five week-long Winter Break stretching before me. I had to decisively commit myself to some course of action - but my circumstances rendered any plans I hatched impossible. I needed to pack. In order to pack, I needed to do laundry. In order to do laundry, I needed quarters. No options for gaining the necessary amount of coinage was attractive. I was overwhelmed with immobility, incompetent and in pain.

JM rescued me. She called me up, directed me to her piggy (or Crayola) bank, and I used up every single one of her quarters.

This occasion was not the first time JM had selflessly bent her resources to my rescue. I had left my cell phone behind, and was afraid of not being able to Adrian as we had not designated a specific rendezvous point. So she called CT to call AL to call Adrian. Quite the round robin. Not only that, she lent me all the cash she had on her because I also forgot my wallet on one of the handful days when I actually needed cash on my person.

Some time ago, I had remarked (perhaps in D-land, perhaps only to myself) that as good as the friends I had found in TJ were, they were all lacking the selflessness that had characterized the friendships of my grade school past. People, I felt, were not as willing to give themselves. There was always a pause, whilst the mind went through some calculation, then sometimes an offering, oftentimes meagre. Whereas, I recall in my younger days, instant offers of all that there was.

It was in those aforementioned younger days when I had formed some core values by which to make my moral stance. They were honesty and loyalty. Noble virtues, aren't they? They were my ideals, my principles. I would as soon break them as break the very fibre of my being.

Of course, by my usage of the past tense, you know that I left them behind me when I left behind the other accoutrements of childhood.

So when I made my notice of the increased selfishness in TJ, I myself was in the process of acquiring - perhaps already had acquired - that same selfishness. Honesty and loyalty were still lofty ideals to which I aspired - but just as one aspires to climb Mount Olympus, one always falls short. My loyalty is worth no more than fool's gold now, a tarnished reflection of the purity it possessed in childhood.

(I am no child, but I am no woman?)

By the time I drove past the "Welcome to Cornell University" sign, I had forgotten that I held honesty and loyalty in higher esteem than other virtues. For what do the two most important matter, when none matters at all?

(There was one incident which almost called them to mind again. But my reasoning occurred all at the surface, and so could find no rationale for my emotions, which were based on a more fundamental foundation.)

This semester JM has proved herself more than once to possess that loyalty of old. I am ashamed to admit that I have had more than one uncharitable thought about her. I have doubted and rejected her, when in my hour of need, she stood steadfastly by me.

I know that the actions I name are small, and the words I use extravagant. But what I don't convey here are all the subtle undertones which provide all the information one would otherwise glean from life-threatening situations. Still, I could very well be wrong about everything. *shrug*

Loyalty like JM's deserves nothing less than loyalty in kind returned. I have sorely been remiss in this obligation, and I feel keenly the shame which my inconstancy has brought upon me.

What happened to my ideals? Why did I leave them behind in that shining city on the sea?

In that bygone time, I thought myself cynical. I was wrong. My cynicism then was but removed awareness. My cynicism now is a fall from nobility to trudging resignedly through the offal of the common. I am no better than everyone else. I cannot uphold those ideals, but for JM, at least, I can return her type of loyalty.

(These days, I feel as if I am drifting ever further away from my ideals. Being a good person has taken a backseat to being a likable person. Changing the world has taken a backseat to amassing power and wealth. If I had gods to whom to pray, I would pray thus: Let me not forget the Why of all that I do.)

you just didn't know when it was coming - 2005-03-23

one free trip to washington, dc - 2005-03-22

sharing myself - 2005-03-20

dreaming down highways - 2005-03-20

when the day was bright and new - 2005-03-18